Whole Heart. Pure Heart.

Posted in Revelations and Repentance, Uncategorized with tags on June 26, 2009 by divineappointment

Here I am again. I am excited to hear from you. First off I know I have some thought-process things I have to come clean with. I know I need your help to clean out the filth in my mind when it comes to viewing other people. I take my thoughts into my own hands, get them dirty and let those thoughts inter my heart and dwell comfortably in my thought life.
I play conversations over in my head, take things and twist them to make myself the martyr. You never called me to be a martyr. All of this is for twisted, vain glory again. I can’t fill in the gaps that I don’t understand. If I have a misunderstanding I know I should go to the person and clarify instead of inventing horrible, scary character flaws.
I really do want to live above reproach. You have called us to live with standards that math yours perfectly. You have ordained me to be set apart, not only in my actions, but also in my thought life. I know that love “thinks no evil.” So I am asking for your love to first of all cover my impulsive and meditative sins, as well as increase my ability and capacity to love. I don’t want to fall in the trap of mental back-biting, gossiping within myself –even if I never trespass out loud!
You have freed me from sin. To sin, I do not subscribe. To malice, envy, negative thinking, I do not seek after. My standards are lofty, my character desires to be pressed, fabric softener-fresh and wrinkle free. In order to obtain that, though I must deny myself and allow you to shine through. Again. There is that message. Ah, to release your Glory. Let it run free, accomplishing its work with power! I find myself even now excited for tomorrow. My brand new day. God willing, I will hear your voice and awaken my heart to love, to live, to serve. Lori, today said I was contagious. That’s your favor on my life. Of this I must be careful. What is it that other people are catching from me? Is it you? Or is it me?
2nd Kings 23:3
“The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the Lord –to follow the Lord and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul, thus confirming the words of the covenant written in this book. Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant.”
You pledge to serve with your WHOLE heart. Then there will be no room for envy, malice, or bad-thoughts about other people. If a heart is pure, it has all of something. All means every little bit. If you let go of the things that you are holding onto, you won’t have them anymore. It is as simple as that. As long as you hold things in your heart that do not belong, they will continue to cause you to stumble. Let go, and let God enter into the places that you have made room. After all of this is accomplished, THEN others will come to me. THEN will others come because of my glory that you have not hidden. Then and only then will I be lifted up. You must abase for Christ to abound. Then can my glory run free and accomplish what it was meant to accomplish with power!

Lord, please whatever I need to do. Please, continue to hold me accountable for it. I love talking to you. I love that you are relentless for me! Thank you so much for your words of truth and life. They are joy to my spirit. Jesus, I want to cast out all of the impurities in my life. In my heart. I know you’ll take them. Please allow me the wisdom to recognize them and the honesty to throw them immediately at your feet.
You are truly more than enough for me.
Job 7:17-19
“What is man that you make so much of him, that you give him so much attention, that you examine him every morning and test him every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone for an instant?”
I, unlike Job in this context, say this with a GLAD spirit. For that has been the desire of my heart. You have become the desire of my heart. To be chased after. Now, let me continuously chase after you… with my WHOLE heart, my WHOLE soul and my WHOLE strength.
Amen and Amen.


Time Travel

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2009 by divineappointment

Today I exhausted quite a bit of time thinking about …well, everything. Oy. Something are best left unthought, to tell you the truth. I went through my old myspace mail –all 60+ pages of undeleted history. Let me tell you this. It really brought back a lot of memories. Some of those were precious, others were not so precious.  As I look at my life I see it in sections. Some sections I don’t want to really remember.  As I was reading through notes and letters from old acquaintances, stalkers, short term fans, and momentary encounters. I felt like I was living in this surreal life. I was staring into the lifeless-frozen pixel faces of people that I have not seen in years. People that, somewhere in the back of my spirit, I did not ever want to see again. People that painfully went out of their way to ruin my life.

How dramatic does that sound? I would better explain, but that is an entire other blog. I’ll save that for a more purposeful time.

My experiences have run me far from God, and run me very close to him. The times where I was far from him, were the worst times for me. The times where I was the closest were the most rewarding seasons of my life. Not just for me, but for those around me. Like sharing light. Like being given a really epic blow torch that shoots green fire from one end and red from another. Like some kinda modern twistedly dangerous Darth Maul weapon. Anyway. The most Epic times were when I could play with my awesome gift. LIGHTING IT UP! for the world to see made it all the more cool. Can you imagine being around someone with a real thing like that? Wouldn’t you feel stoked to be near it? Oh shoot I went off on a tangent.

Anyway, I remember pin pointing a year that I would like to go back to. Do it all over again. Before I picked that year (2004) I would have thought that it would have all been too much work to re-do. However, there was something about that 2004 year and after in my life. There were a LOT of turning points between the then and now parts of my life. And if I could just take a fraction of the knowledge that I have now and hit the reset button to rewind back to 2004, I would be all over it.

As I began to really think about all of the things that happened in the subsequent years, I began to kind of get down about everything that I could have made better if I only had a second chance at the intensity of which I sought after things, the people I surrounded, or did not surround myself with, et cetera…

Prior to this pinpointing of a moment in time, I never was a person who would ever ‘do it all over again’. I was never a person who thought that I should really regret anything good or bad, because life as it was a gigantic learning experience. But now… I was not too sure.

So there I sat licking the wounds of my thoughts when I got a peaceful epiphany. Everyday is a second chance.  A second chance to so what is right. A second chance to love better. A second chance to work harder. A second chance to worry less. A second chance to choose wisely. A second chance to LIVE.

God says that his mercies are renewed daily. So, I have a choice. I can sit and think about the past, the opportunities not taken, the roads I traveled, the people I interacted with, or I can open my eyes, and look around me now, seeing that today will soon be yesterday. Yesterday will soon be years ago. And in my new today (years from now) I could be still sitting in the same corner liking away at my apathy, or inhibitions of 2009, praying silently for a restart button.

God is faithful to provide everything we need. When we lay our heads down, thanking God for what we have, our spiritual fingers are pressing down on the RENEW button. When God pours out his grace via lifting our lashes and filling our nostrils with fresh air of a new day, our spiritual fingers release the button –and away we go.

On to new life. New choices. A brand new day for a second chance.

Part-time me

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009 by divineappointment

So, I most definately feel like I am a part time ….something. I don’t feel like i love God part time. I definately don’t feel like he loves me part-time. But I do feel like my actions are part time. That fullness thereof just isn’t quite as full as it could be. i am reminded of the verse that says something about Jesus making our joy more complete. That our joy may be full. I need some time with this again. I am praying that my brittish guy reading the NIV to me tonight will be directed by God to speak life into the joy that i have. Complete Jesus deserves a Complete me.

As for Faith

Posted in Uncategorized on March 17, 2009 by divineappointment
If I told you that I audibly heard God singing, what would that mean to you? Would it be encouraging, or would it stir up a bitter root, and set a placemat for envy to break bread?

As for faith? Faith is not without evidence. Blind ‘faith’ passed down on the generations is tradition. Tradition is religion. Religion is not personal. Religion does not prove itself.

I cannot speak for anyone else’s religion. I can not speak for anyone else’s relationship. I can only say that my faith comes with evidence. Experience. Remembering. Acknowleging.
To me faith is not just ‘believing’ or ‘trusting’ it’s knowing. For me, it’s like anyother relationship.
I have to know, that love is there. If I doubt, there is no room for me to recieve love –even it it is constantly poured out.

My ignoring it, does not change the love that is poured out in any measure. It just closes off my ability to precieve it. My faith comes from hope, a half belief that is confirmed over and again, with a language that I understand. With a love language that gets down in the tightests crevices. The knowing comes from experience. Not forgetting those experiences. Living in the lessons, and fruit of them.
My faith comes from questions, from throwing frustrations, from running and running and running away. From crying, and lying to myself, and others. And realizing. Realizing what is real. What is tangible. I find that I was so bent to find real, but was really seeking tangible. So in tangible I sought. And in all of my tangibility, my tactile nourishment, I found nonentity. I found that I wanted more than tangible. Real is not always instant gratification. In my experiences it is not. Real love. Real Happiness. Real Sucess. Real Joy. A Real God.

The Book

Posted in Uncategorized on March 17, 2009 by divineappointment

Is the Bible just a book? Mere pages written by man? Is that the place where God lives? Is he trapped there like a wild animal to be tamed. Is he ready to salivate like pavlov’s poochies at the sound of bell? A tingaling cymbal?

Does it seem like all we are left with is a book?

Maybe the book isn’t just a book. Maybe, for all definitional purposes, it’s a book. But what if it were more? What if it transformed from book to …a pathway to something greater here on earth. Maybe the book is elementry and upon graduation …there is something else here on earth. Maybe then, and only then does it make sense. Maybe the readers of the book want to skip to graduation, as a first grader pines to get to adulthood. But until she understands the elementry teachings of the book, she can’t go anywhere else. And maybe understanding the elementry is more than knowing it, quoting it, anc acknowledging it. Maybe it’s living it. Maybe it’s believing it. Maybe not having all of the answers is enfuriating when there seems to be such an enormous need for answers in the world that she is living in. Maybe it seems like the world is just half baked without the things in the book happening in her life. Maybe she feels like she is on the outside looking in. Maybe it seems impossible that the book, an inanimate object can have the ability to be anything more than words on fragile pages. But maybe the pages gain strength by the decision to return to being a child. A child with simple belief. A belief that stories can jump off the page. And maybe, with a little perserverance she could jump in. Maybe that’s just it. Maybe the book isn’t just a book…

This time it’s for reals!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 10, 2009 by divineappointment

Getting real! So I left off here a long while ago. I completely forsook these divine appointments for things that were in no way more important. It’s too bad that my actions spoke otherwise. As I was sitting down with what I believe is an assignment from the Lord, I was excited. As my eyes peeked into the book of Ezekiel, my flesh began to tremble. Here I am sitting down with the Lord. This is for reals. I am at another coming of age point in my spiritual journey. Speaking of Journey, I need to sing a little from one of their most overplayed hits. DON’T STOP BELIEEEVIN’!

Okay, now that’s out of the way, I will continue! My first thought tonight as I began was “Oh this is for real.” I open up my blog and there it is. The blog I fell asleep on a few days back. The blog telling me that I needed to get real. I need to get real. Be real. What God has for me to do in this life is for real. What I really need to do is trust God. I feel like I am on a huge diving board 59 feet up in the air. I know I can’t swim. I love heights though. I feel like I am exhillerated. Standing here. Opening Ezekiel is making the board bounce a bit. I can feel my muscles tighten a bit. I guess I am not afraid of falling. No, it’s not the fall at all. Maybe it’s what lies beneath? I’ll be in a new environment. I’ll be in the deep end. No more kiddy pool. No more high platforms to climb up and down aimlessly. This is the plunge. This time it’s for real.

Acknowledging need

Posted in Uncategorized on March 6, 2009 by divineappointment

I need a lot of things. In articulare I need Jesus. I need the The Father Yaweh, and I need the Holy Spirit. I also need to get real. Thinking of that phrase just now stirs some new cognitive processes. “Getting Real.”
What is real?

re·al 1  

  (rē’əl, rēl)  Pronunciation Key 

  1. REAL:
    1. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
    2. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
    3. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
  2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
  3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.
  4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.
  5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.
  6. Philosophy Existing objectively in the world regardless of subjectivity or conventions of thought or language.
  7. Relating to, being, or having value reckoned by actual purchasing power: real income; real growth.

More of this in Fridays Blog.