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On Pride and Praise

Posted in Uncategorized on July 30, 2011 by divineappointment

I think I understand why it is that God calls us to give him “all the glory” and why he rejects the proud but gives grace to the humble. A person looking from the outside could see those things and conclude that God is insecure, and needs his back patted all day long. Something that also might get people thinking this is that the bible emphatically says, “I am a jealous God.” I remember when I first read that. I had just made a new, mature connection with God at the age of 15. Mature, meaning that I now understood that God’s intentions were to intimately be in relationship with me. He wasn’t some holy dude on an unseen hill.

Anyway, I was reading the bible in a teens translation. When I read “I am a Jealous God”, I jumped up and got a King James Version (what we Pentecostal Holiness kids grew up hearing/reading) to see if this was some weird translation! It wasn’t.

It said, “the Lord thy God is a jealous God.” But, but, but what about all that God is perfect, and stalwart and love stuff? Love can’t be jealous! Jealousy isn’t strong! It’s childish and crazy! So, is God childish and crazy? Does this mean that he wants to have a close relationship with me because he’s the kid on the playground that doesn’t like to share his toys?

No one wants to get close to that kid on the playground. Everyone wants to punch that kid in the face. And who wants a jealous, possessive lover? One who is always questioning your whereabouts, one who doesn’t trust you, accuses you of evil, beats you with negative words and fists, and then makes it feel like it’s your fault. What kind of love is that? It sure doesn’t sound perfect or holy or unconditional to me.

It took me a while to figure this all out. I had to figure out what was jealousy. Let’s think about this together. Jealousy is not envy. God is not envious. He cannot be. Everything already belongs to him. Envy is desiring something you don’t have; and getting emo and crazy about it.

Well, since the world was created by him, and according to at least one super-popular songwriter, He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands, what is there he could want to own? Nothing. Now, jealousy, on the other hand is possible for God. Jealousy deals with things you own.

When what you already own is being compromised or interfered with by another source, the feeling one can have is jealousy. Now, jealousy can be sprouted from different intentions. The jealousy I mentioned before negatively, sprouted from insecurity. That jealousy is never good. The jealousy God experiences is rooted in love. Check Corinthians 13.

It says love does not envy. It does not say it is not jealous. The problem is that we try and make jealousy and envy synonymous. It is not. Love can experience jealousy. The jealousy we have become accostomed to is the one where the root is a lack of trust, mixed in with keping records of wrong, disbelief, and becoming easily angered.

Check Corinthians 13 again. All of those things re clearly not traits of Love. Jealousy not sprung from love is all of those things. Now, Christians believe that God is love. If jealousy is springing up from God, it must be springing up from love.

So, what does jealousy sprung up from love look like? It looks like watching the person you love the most take a nose dive off of a mountain cliff, when you knew the way to a bridge.

It looks like watching the one you love most in the worst situations choose to stay there, when you have a way to safety.

It looks like a very broken heart crying out, “no, no,no! This is not how it should be. I have so much more for you.

It is hurt. It can even be frustrated, and angry. But get this. It’s not about the selfish interest of the bratty cosmic boy with the cool toys. No, it’s not about getting us so that his collection is full, or his ego is stroked. His jealousy exists because he loves us. He wants to see us protected. He is jealous for us, not envious of others who steal our attention. This jealousy wants the best for us.

With this understanding, we see that God is not prideful when he says, worship no other god before me. His desire is to protect us. He wants to pat our backs, not that we need to pat his.

So what about all the glory and honor and praise belongs to him, business?

You know what I realized about that? There are several benefits to giving God honor and praise. The first thing is when you realize that God is the supreme author of the world we know, I makes sense to give God props. In addition to that, God sees the dangers of pride. Pride will make a person fall flat on their face. Pride will close a mouth that needs to cry out for help, and open up a mouth that needs to be silent and listen.

Humility is learned. It has to be practiced. The best way to do so is to realize that we do nothing great without the strength given to us by God. This praise is a testiment to his Glory. Now, because we know that love is not proud, God does not have a pride issue. So, what does he do when we exalt him? He raises us up right back.

It works out great because we learn humility, and God exalts us. Now, we could just skip a step and exalt ourselves. But we wouldn’t learn humility that way. If we are full of pride, how can we opperate in love? If we cannot opperate in Love, we cannot opperate with God, for God is love.

It all points back to wanting the best for us. God wants that we be exalted by him. Who could exalt us better than God himself, anyway? In order to do that we must be as humble as he. David, the man that God said was after his heart, said this of God. “Your humility exalts me.”

When we worship the Living God, we may feel we give our all, but many times he continues to fill us in ways we never knew we could be filled.



Posted in Uncategorized on July 29, 2011 by divineappointment

I need an avalanche of your mercy to break the tension in the heavens of my heart. That place where you dwell. May it erupt the interrupt between the life I have grown accustomed to and the life I am destined to. May it rush down my good intentions, covering them with actions, and finishing what I started. I need a break through in my attitude, a renewal in my mind, some hyssop in my heart and an anchor through my soul. Take control of this old. Make me forego the creases and folds when you called me lay flat on the master’s table. Stretched the corner of your garment to cover my insecurity. Your authority called my silent fury into submission with spiritual circumcision. My will cut from my flesh and drafted, grafted and crafted into your spirit. I lay here still, knowing you are that you are. I reflect on everything you have been. You’re there unlike shifting shadows that make a home in the valley. I am unafraid. Here I rest with you.

Lord of the Practicing

Posted in Uncategorized on July 27, 2011 by divineappointment

I just got off the phone with my dear dear dear friend. Whilst we were having this conversation this very strange analogy popped in my head.

I took Spanish in high school. I became pretty good at it. I continued in college. I became even better. Fall semester of my freshman year I decided to be completely random and take a new language course WSU decided to offer, Japanese.

I was actually taking an upper level of Spanish while I took Japanese 101. I never knew what effect this would have. Previous to taking Spanish classes I had not learned any other foriegn language (besides the required Latin classes in elementry school in Ohio.) So when I went to speak Spanish in high school I had no problem.

But now (2003) there was a problem. My brain had two banks. It had a regular conversation bank, and a foriegn conversation bank. When I attended the Japanese class my first semester taking it, my brain would, understandably, draw from the foriegn bank. The problem was, there was only Spanish in that bank.  As hard as I tried to speak Japanese my brain kept throwing out Spanish!

I was, by no means, -trying- to speak Spanish. It was just in me. So, it came out! Eventually it became very frustrating! I was discouraged. I had to think of the word in English, then my brain would translate it to Spanish, then I would have to try and find the Japanese word! It was so much work!

By this time I had fallen in love with the beautiful language and culture. I had tested it out; and it was something I knew was good for me. I needed to make a decision. The following semester I would stop taking Spanish classes. I did that.

It didn’t immediately fix the problem, though. I still had a problem with mixing my Spanish in. However, allowing myself to focus on Japanese alone allowed my brain to reorganize my mind’s filing system. I had to seperate myself from my Spanish pattern, and zoom in on Japanese. The more Japanese I poured into me, the more I could return it back out. Soon enough no Spanish made exodus from these lips, unless I wanted it to. My mind could discern one from the other foriegn languages.

So, what does this mean? It’s similar to our spiritual / emotional lives as we try and transform, grow, renew our minds, gain experience, and “level up”. We walk into Japanese class (God’s presence) with this other foriegn language (our bad habits, and experiences) we have nearly perfected, and rehearsed. It’s a part of who we are. It flows out of us just as easy as a native tongue. We have just practiced it so much.

And even when we have every intention of changing it, it comes flying out unannounced. It’s just much easier to produce! Perhaps we have old, bad, experiences with church, past hurts, abuses, or what have you. We store those experiences in an emotional Ziploc bag. When something dealing with God, Church, love, relationships, or spirituality comes up, the experiences that we have practiced for so long come flying out. It can be frusterating when you really are trying to speak the right language, experience its beauty, but you cannot. All you seem to know is what you have practiced for the longest time.

At this point it’s time to make a choice. You’re trying your best to get it right,but there is just so much “Spanish” inside of you you can’t focus. You need to let something go.This is the simple action of sancitification. Don’t worry, I’m going intense Christianese on you without a definition. All that means is that you are seperating yourself from the old patterns. The bible tells us to sanctify ourseves; and THEN God will sanctify us fully. So, I guess it’s your move.

God wants to give us the uninterrupted experience of his love language, just like my learning Japanese. The more I let pour in, and dug into Japanese, the less I experienced the Spanish leaking. The more love I experience from God, the less I hear negativity take over my thoughts, dreams, faith, and ability to receive love.

If I’ve gotten really good at disbelief, and it’s all I have in me, I should not be surprised when it leaks out –even when I decide to try to believe. What I need to do is:

1. Acknowledge that what I am feeling/saying/experiencing is not the language I intended to persue.
2. Re-think what my goal is. This may mean I need to redefine my situation with the right vocabulary, or in other words, be willing to change my mind!
3. Decide to seperate myself from any triggers or patterns that cause me to think, speak, act, or otherwise experience undesireable behavior / “language”.
4. Practice the language I desire / go after those experiences… remember the more I pour in, the more can be poured out the way it is intended.
5. Realize that this will take a little dedication. I must practice what I desire! It will pay off in the end. I will go from broken hearted to able to receive and give love. From cynical, surly, and silly to full of hope, kind, and wise.

Let Him be your teacher too. His office is always open.

Quit playin’

Posted in Uncategorized on January 4, 2011 by divineappointment

Alright. I have made plan a hundred times and made a hundred lines or lies that to subside my mind. This fancy seperation from the righteous life I desire is merely a few steps towards grace. My hesitance springs from sitting on a mountain of wisdom and relevant revelation poured fresh from the mouth of a Living God. How can I be so still and not fully know he is God. I mean, I know. But if I really knew, would I be so slow to do what I was chosen to do. I hear and hear and hear so clear that no mistake could be made. I constantly check my heart for motives, tussle between spirit and truth and personal accolade. I shake my head with indecision to complete the commission and boast spiritual circumcision. And then the judgement comes and comes, how quickly swiftly does it pour from my tongue and now I’m sprung to release the truth for truth not tooth for tooth, with no excuse and solid proof that God is everything he says he is but. . . I still fall desperately short of good enough. Its the wages, I wager, I savor my decisions sin incisions, cut deep through the marrow, I know, I can only go as far as I surrender. So selfish I choose to staple down the layers of flesh and make a tent a cozy home of blemishes when he said he saw me perfect. I’m steady creasing my wrinkles when he said He made me worthy, I’m dirty. with something that flirts with a reprobate mind. And this time is still ticking pulling the passion inside. it’s easy to not believe me.
It’s not easy to believe in me.
It’s never easy to believe me ~oh no
How could you ever believe
I know the answer. There is so much inside of me.
You shared the answer
With every part of me
You told me you made me
You made me to glory
and then you even gave me a passionate story
And I gotta let you turn the pages
Quit playin’ with the wages
the wages of my lies
the instrument of my lungs
and my tongue
most of all my unbelief
The answer is that I am unafraid
i am unafraid
The answer is I am unafraid
The answer is that I am not alone
I am not alone
the answer is that I am not alone with out an Ur or Aaron
The answer is that sometimes all I know is me and that’s the remedy for falling
The antidote is simple, just find your hands flying higher than your understanding
And cry
Cry out
Give it up
Let it go.
Fall into the safety sometimes
Quit playing with prideful “indecision”
And cry out
Give it up
Let it go
Don’t waste your life
Throw up your hands.
And Stand.
For Everything.


Posted in Life on a Stanza, Uncategorized with tags on June 27, 2009 by divineappointment

I enjoy you. I am still trying to figure out how to be balanced.

Right living.
Killing Cockroaches.
Letting Go.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart” ALL. “And lean not unto your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowlege him.” ALL. “And he will direct your paths.

Pure=All=Focused=Singular. ONE.

Whole Heart. Pure Heart.

Posted in Revelations and Repentance, Uncategorized with tags on June 26, 2009 by divineappointment

Here I am again. I am excited to hear from you. First off I know I have some thought-process things I have to come clean with. I know I need your help to clean out the filth in my mind when it comes to viewing other people. I take my thoughts into my own hands, get them dirty and let those thoughts inter my heart and dwell comfortably in my thought life.
I play conversations over in my head, take things and twist them to make myself the martyr. You never called me to be a martyr. All of this is for twisted, vain glory again. I can’t fill in the gaps that I don’t understand. If I have a misunderstanding I know I should go to the person and clarify instead of inventing horrible, scary character flaws.
I really do want to live above reproach. You have called us to live with standards that math yours perfectly. You have ordained me to be set apart, not only in my actions, but also in my thought life. I know that love “thinks no evil.” So I am asking for your love to first of all cover my impulsive and meditative sins, as well as increase my ability and capacity to love. I don’t want to fall in the trap of mental back-biting, gossiping within myself –even if I never trespass out loud!
You have freed me from sin. To sin, I do not subscribe. To malice, envy, negative thinking, I do not seek after. My standards are lofty, my character desires to be pressed, fabric softener-fresh and wrinkle free. In order to obtain that, though I must deny myself and allow you to shine through. Again. There is that message. Ah, to release your Glory. Let it run free, accomplishing its work with power! I find myself even now excited for tomorrow. My brand new day. God willing, I will hear your voice and awaken my heart to love, to live, to serve. Lori, today said I was contagious. That’s your favor on my life. Of this I must be careful. What is it that other people are catching from me? Is it you? Or is it me?
2nd Kings 23:3
“The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the Lord –to follow the Lord and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul, thus confirming the words of the covenant written in this book. Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant.”
You pledge to serve with your WHOLE heart. Then there will be no room for envy, malice, or bad-thoughts about other people. If a heart is pure, it has all of something. All means every little bit. If you let go of the things that you are holding onto, you won’t have them anymore. It is as simple as that. As long as you hold things in your heart that do not belong, they will continue to cause you to stumble. Let go, and let God enter into the places that you have made room. After all of this is accomplished, THEN others will come to me. THEN will others come because of my glory that you have not hidden. Then and only then will I be lifted up. You must abase for Christ to abound. Then can my glory run free and accomplish what it was meant to accomplish with power!

Lord, please whatever I need to do. Please, continue to hold me accountable for it. I love talking to you. I love that you are relentless for me! Thank you so much for your words of truth and life. They are joy to my spirit. Jesus, I want to cast out all of the impurities in my life. In my heart. I know you’ll take them. Please allow me the wisdom to recognize them and the honesty to throw them immediately at your feet.
You are truly more than enough for me.
Job 7:17-19
“What is man that you make so much of him, that you give him so much attention, that you examine him every morning and test him every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone for an instant?”
I, unlike Job in this context, say this with a GLAD spirit. For that has been the desire of my heart. You have become the desire of my heart. To be chased after. Now, let me continuously chase after you… with my WHOLE heart, my WHOLE soul and my WHOLE strength.
Amen and Amen.

Time Travel

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2009 by divineappointment

Today I exhausted quite a bit of time thinking about …well, everything. Oy. Something are best left unthought, to tell you the truth. I went through my old myspace mail –all 60+ pages of undeleted history. Let me tell you this. It really brought back a lot of memories. Some of those were precious, others were not so precious.  As I look at my life I see it in sections. Some sections I don’t want to really remember.  As I was reading through notes and letters from old acquaintances, stalkers, short term fans, and momentary encounters. I felt like I was living in this surreal life. I was staring into the lifeless-frozen pixel faces of people that I have not seen in years. People that, somewhere in the back of my spirit, I did not ever want to see again. People that painfully went out of their way to ruin my life.

How dramatic does that sound? I would better explain, but that is an entire other blog. I’ll save that for a more purposeful time.

My experiences have run me far from God, and run me very close to him. The times where I was far from him, were the worst times for me. The times where I was the closest were the most rewarding seasons of my life. Not just for me, but for those around me. Like sharing light. Like being given a really epic blow torch that shoots green fire from one end and red from another. Like some kinda modern twistedly dangerous Darth Maul weapon. Anyway. The most Epic times were when I could play with my awesome gift. LIGHTING IT UP! for the world to see made it all the more cool. Can you imagine being around someone with a real thing like that? Wouldn’t you feel stoked to be near it? Oh shoot I went off on a tangent.

Anyway, I remember pin pointing a year that I would like to go back to. Do it all over again. Before I picked that year (2004) I would have thought that it would have all been too much work to re-do. However, there was something about that 2004 year and after in my life. There were a LOT of turning points between the then and now parts of my life. And if I could just take a fraction of the knowledge that I have now and hit the reset button to rewind back to 2004, I would be all over it.

As I began to really think about all of the things that happened in the subsequent years, I began to kind of get down about everything that I could have made better if I only had a second chance at the intensity of which I sought after things, the people I surrounded, or did not surround myself with, et cetera…

Prior to this pinpointing of a moment in time, I never was a person who would ever ‘do it all over again’. I was never a person who thought that I should really regret anything good or bad, because life as it was a gigantic learning experience. But now… I was not too sure.

So there I sat licking the wounds of my thoughts when I got a peaceful epiphany. Everyday is a second chance.  A second chance to so what is right. A second chance to love better. A second chance to work harder. A second chance to worry less. A second chance to choose wisely. A second chance to LIVE.

God says that his mercies are renewed daily. So, I have a choice. I can sit and think about the past, the opportunities not taken, the roads I traveled, the people I interacted with, or I can open my eyes, and look around me now, seeing that today will soon be yesterday. Yesterday will soon be years ago. And in my new today (years from now) I could be still sitting in the same corner liking away at my apathy, or inhibitions of 2009, praying silently for a restart button.

God is faithful to provide everything we need. When we lay our heads down, thanking God for what we have, our spiritual fingers are pressing down on the RENEW button. When God pours out his grace via lifting our lashes and filling our nostrils with fresh air of a new day, our spiritual fingers release the button –and away we go.

On to new life. New choices. A brand new day for a second chance.